At work, there was a lady called Pat. For the purpose of this explanation, she will be referred to as "P" so as to hide her identity. (Yes, I know, that doesn't make sense.)

Now in our office, "P" worked until a later time of day than the rest of us. Between the hours of 9am and 5pm, the office team consists of about 10 people. However, from 5pm to 6pm, she IS the team as everyone else goes home. She is there just to cover phones for another hour.

At about 4.45pm (ish) "P" makes it known that pretty soon she will be the only one in the office, so it's imperative that she "goes for a wee before we all go." (Thanks for that, "P". That really is the last image I wanted to be faced with before leaving the office - a 60-odd year old lady, whose wee habit you could set your watch by, sat atop a loo on cue every night.)

Then off she pops to the ladies. I started to refer to this time by the code "P-MAP", which stood for "Pats Mid Afternoon Pee." There used to be discrete calls across the office at 4.45pm when she set off, of "It's time for P-MAP"

After a while, "P-MAP" lost it's humour, and we resorted to pretending to start stopwatches on cue instead.

"I'm going for a wee before you all go" came the usual call, and a few of us would raise our wrists, discretely pretend to click stopwatches and call "........ go!"

Anyway, I just happened to make a comment one time, entirely in jest, about how if we DID time her we would be able to keep track of all sorts of interesting stats - her total loo breaks per day, her AM/PM preference and her Average Wee Time.

Having thought about it a lot, (the stats side of things, not the image of an old lady weeing with metronome-like precision,) I think that knowing someones AWT, or their TPD, (Times Per Day,) would actually help employers in identifying potential skivers.

It is for THIS reason and this reason alone, (and NOT due to the incorrect notion that I LIKE timing people wee,) that I created an AWT calculator.

Use it to record your details, and it'll automatically calculate your AWT, and pour all the results into a big graph. You could even set up a wee-league. Say divide your table into 2 teams, and jointly record your team AWTs - this would inspire people to NOT skive, for fear of letting the side down. Imagine the embarrassment involved in being called into the bosses office to have a conversation along the lines of, "I'm going to have to let you go. Your AWT is just not good enough." or "According to the stats, you have an AWT of 7 minutes, which is an excessive wee time."

You can download it here - *link removed (sorry!)*