One of my work colleagues decided that, because she'd not had one for a while, it had become necessary to find another man.

This time, rather than go the normal route and end up with another person she eventually ends up wanting to kill, she allowed me to handle the entire finding process for her.

If you believe you are the perfect man for Sheila, after reading the criteria below, please leave a comment. I will pass it on to her.

Requirements.

Age = 29 to 39. Although the goalposts could be widened to go lower

GOOD sense of humour.

Dark hair or bald – no blond or ginger-headed men please.

Normal 9 – 5 job – none of this “networking in pub until late”

Own transport. Just having “feet” as a form of transport doesn’t count, however having “feet” in general would be a bonus. And no - a white van does not class as transport in my book! My preferred form of transport would be a nice BMW or Mercedes

Not typical Pisces/Scorpio or Gemini

Unmarried – but NOT an old bachelor set in his ways - I want to be able to mold you into my way of thinking!

Must NOT be someone who has sugar in their coffee – The reason for this is that when coffee-people have sugar in their drink, they replace the spoon back into the sugar, discolouring it and making it all sticky. We don’t want lumpy coffee-sugar-mix going over our weetabix and ready brek, do we?

NO snoring, either while awake OR asleep – I’d prefer it if you didn’t nod off while sat next to me, so as to seem as though you’re awake but rumbling nasally.

Not a heavy drinker

Not heavy but not too skinny (I don't want you making me look big)

No smoking - I do not like having to hold my breath whilst kissing

Darker skinned would be preferable

Male would be preferable

Must be a loo seat replacer – not as a job, but must replace the loo seat after use.

Must rinse bath after use or sink if you decide to shave in the sink

When cutting bread, must not be someone who leaves the crumbs out for a week.

Got to like children – going “awwwww, a baby!” is SUCH a lovely thing to hear a man say

Got to like animals – going “awwwww, a kitten!” is lovely too.

Not someone who thinks chasing my cat with a lawnmower will be amusing – This has happened once

Not someone who uses the excuse “accidents happen….” while pretending NOT to chase my cat with a lawnmower.

Not to look miserable – no downward turn at the side of the mouth even when attempting to look happy

Looks not important - other than the “dark skinned”, “dark hair”, “unmiserable” and “not heavy” things

No obsessive football fans (in particular I do not want a Manchester United Fan - my son would never forgive me)

No people who go fishing and then think they can bring the fish back to MY house

Don’t mind golfers - unless they decide to get aggresive with their clubs

Must like the sound of Sheila's voice

Must have own teeth, (internally,) and be a regular visitor to the dentist

Must not give birth to aliens orally while sleeping – This has only ever happened once, but that one time was enough to convince me that I never want to see anything like it ever again. Basically, while he was sleeping and snoring, his dental fitting popped out and landed on his chest. With me not being fully awake, plus not actually knowing he had such a device installed, I thought he’d just sicked up an alien.

Must be a good cook as I don't like to cook!!

Must like Indian food - Yummy

Not someone who thinks I like Chinese food

Not someone who cooks Chinese food for my birthday (yack)

Not someone who continually forgets I don’t like Chinese food.

Must be willing to accept that I like eating raw onion. Not cooked, fried, boiled, stewed, just.... raw. I have been known to barge into restaurant kitchens in the past, sharing my outrage at this simple request not being followed. If I say "no, don't cook it, just sliced raw onion please," I want it to be taken seriously. Believe me, it's not worth the risk.

Decisive, but not independent

NO FACIAL HAIR – to prevent chaffing and friction burns from prolonged contact

Waxable – see above

Must enjoy, or be able to tolerate, my Karaoke

To give you an idea of who I find attractive - here is a list: Johnny Depp, Keanu Reeves, Orlando Bloom, George Michael, Brad Pitt, Tarkan

Puppy-dog eyes = good – Awwwwwwww, look at da likkul puppy! Puppy-dog mentality = bad – NO. I don’t want to play ball again. NO.

Dominant – must use commands like Sit, Lie Down, Roll Over.

Not to make me claustrophobic – I don’t like being followed, step by step, every-effing-where I go.

No liars - I hate liars and this will not be tolerated

Must be willing to iron, cook, clean, provide general services etc

So there you have it. If you believe you fit into the niche, leave a comment below and, fingers crossed, you two will be a perfect match!

Either that, or she'll decide there are further things that need to be added to the list, and end up wanting to kill you too!

Best of luck!