Ebaying Spooky Cat

A while back, a work colleague left. They left behind a collection of pens, pencils, notepads and a hideous featureless ceramic cat.

I decided to ebay it, so below is a copy of the original ebay description including the original pictures that accompanied the auction.

This auction is for the "Spooky Cat"

It is in no way evil, has never shown any sign of possession, and cannot influence events by its mere presence. It's simply a faceless, expressionless pottery cat, that I have applied red sticky dots to in order to give it a spooky stare.

Oddly, every person that has owned this cat has ended up leaving work for good shortly after inheriting it. It was originally owned by a lady, who got a better job shortly after being given it. She donated it to another lady who ended up retiring a month or so later.

I don't believe that any of these events were directly influenced by the cat - it's not as if owning this cat made the retiring woman age rapidly or anything. It was just.... her time.

Although completely inanimate, people tend to develop an affection towards it and stroke it. It has often been cradled by people pretending to show affection, or been spoken to in an affectionate way.

It has also on occasion been left somewhere unexpected so as to scare someone, giving it a true "The Shining" feel. Often I don't recall moving it myself, but I'm sure I must have because it's completely inanimate and it isn't where I left it.

It can be positioned on a car, (as above,) on a work desk, on a window ledge, or on a small table. Or a large table. The only place I've found it cannot rest, without looking really conspicuous, is on a lap.

So basically, my reason for selling is that I actually like working where I am at the moment. I don't want to leave because I enjoy work. REALLY! Everyone who has owned the cat prior to me HAS left or gone on to better things. Why risk potentially being offered a better paid job?

If you're interested in the dimensions, it's roughly 20cm tall, and has a 7cm base. It weighs about the same as a "Kerplunk" board game. One with ALL the marbles and sticks.




It took a few days until Spooky Cat got any bids, but as soon as he did, he was as happy as a mexican at a tortilla convention.

But finally, inevitably, I had to send him to his new home.....



Spooky Cats Last Day.


The votes have been counted and verified, and I can now reveal that the inanimate yet scary statue leaving the office today is.....



SPOOKY CAT!






Awwwwwww! Don't worry. I'm sure your new owner will look after you just as much as I do. I mean, it's not as if selling you to a complete stranger who I'm never likely to meet from the internet is a dangerous thing, is it? Come on, cheer up!






Thats more like it! Now, what do you want to wear to meet your new owner? Your new beard and shades?






Ok, and do you know where you're going? Got your address thing?






OK, put all your stuff into your envelope, and I'll get the casket.... er..... I mean, box.....






CAN YOU BREATH OK IN THERE? HELLO? SPOOKY? CAN YOU HEAR ME?






I'M PUTTING YOUR THINGS ON TOP, AND YOU'RE GOING TO GET TAPED UP NOW!








.... and then, at about 4pm, the postman took him away......



Spookys new owner said that if she was able, she would send some pics of him when he's settled into his new home and true to her word, she did! Here are some pics of my old cat in his new home, along with an email from him!

(He looks settled in already. How DARE he thoroughly enjoy his new home! GRRRRRRR!)


To : badlyspelled.com
Subject : I have arrived safely!!
Date : Tue 18/10/2005 16:31

Hello Stranger

Long time no sticky tape eh????

Just a quick line to say I arrived safely, and my new home is GRRRREEEAATTT!!!! I have enclosed 2 photos for you to see, and to let you know I am ok, theres lots of other cats here with me, 8 in total,but I am pictured with my 'gang' the little white cat at my feet is my bestest friend (hubba hubba):) .

So really I just wanted to say THANKYOU for selling me on Ebay I am truely happy!!

Your Spooky friend

The Cat.

p.s my new white friend is Sassy, and as Spooky no longer fits the bill I have changed my name by deed poll to Stuart, Stu to my friends. BYYEEEE

*Thanks to Missjb for helping him to press the keys

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A.W.T.

At work, there was a lady called Pat. For the purpose of this explanation, she will be referred to as "P" so as to hide her identity. (Yes, I know, that doesn't make sense.)

Now in our office, "P" worked until a later time of day than the rest of us. Between the hours of 9am and 5pm, the office team consists of about 10 people. However, from 5pm to 6pm, she IS the team as everyone else goes home. She is there just to cover phones for another hour.

At about 4.45pm (ish) "P" makes it known that pretty soon she will be the only one in the office, so it's imperative that she "goes for a wee before we all go." (Thanks for that, "P". That really is the last image I wanted to be faced with before leaving the office - a 60-odd year old lady, whose wee habit you could set your watch by, sat atop a loo on cue every night.)

Then off she pops to the ladies. I started to refer to this time by the code "P-MAP", which stood for "Pats Mid Afternoon Pee." There used to be discrete calls across the office at 4.45pm when she set off, of "It's time for P-MAP"

After a while, "P-MAP" lost it's humour, and we resorted to pretending to start stopwatches on cue instead.

"I'm going for a wee before you all go" came the usual call, and a few of us would raise our wrists, discretely pretend to click stopwatches and call "........ go!"

Anyway, I just happened to make a comment one time, entirely in jest, about how if we DID time her we would be able to keep track of all sorts of interesting stats - her total loo breaks per day, her AM/PM preference and her Average Wee Time.

Having thought about it a lot, (the stats side of things, not the image of an old lady weeing with metronome-like precision,) I think that knowing someones AWT, or their TPD, (Times Per Day,) would actually help employers in identifying potential skivers.

It is for THIS reason and this reason alone, (and NOT due to the incorrect notion that I LIKE timing people wee,) that I created an AWT calculator.

Use it to record your details, and it'll automatically calculate your AWT, and pour all the results into a big graph. You could even set up a wee-league. Say divide your table into 2 teams, and jointly record your team AWTs - this would inspire people to NOT skive, for fear of letting the side down. Imagine the embarrassment involved in being called into the bosses office to have a conversation along the lines of, "I'm going to have to let you go. Your AWT is just not good enough." or "According to the stats, you have an AWT of 7 minutes, which is an excessive wee time."

You can download it here - *link removed (sorry!)*

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Stupidisms

Where I used to work, in Manchester at a financial management company, there used to be a manager by the name of Dominic Morris.

Dominic used to have "power meetings" with his staff, me included, every morning. They were a 5 minute prep talk designed to get you motivated before work commenced.

Unfortunately Dominic wasn't very good at the one essential skill necessary to hold meetings. He couldn't string a logical sentence together.

Quite often he'd say something that he must have believed was an inspirational phrase, only to find that when it came out and hit our ears, it sounded more like he'd put all his words into a blender and left the lid off.

He made mixed metaphors look "as easy as falling off a pie."

Below are a few of my all time favourite Morissisms.

Lets not draw a concrete line in the sand or someones going to trip over it.

You're biting around the bush.

I can't stress that hard enough and from the top of my voice.

Sometimes I think you have to let the fish off the hook. Not every man catches what he hooks.

If there was a barrel of snakes on the table, you wouldn't put your hand in it would you? But if I said it was ok, you'd go "Oh, I'll have some of that", wouldn't you.

There's a couple of anomalies on here, maybe for the rightly or the wrongly.

And then BANG! You walk straight into the lions mouth.

You're chewing too much and I don't think you can take it.

It's like having a hammer, throwing it over your shoulder into a canal, then realising you have no tools.

I'll come over in 2 ticks of a second.

Don't walk before you can run.

You have to run at it like a windmill.

As angry as a bare arse.

Go on John, fire ahead.

Your names flavour of the month today.

Give me my consecutive toy back.




Having Dominic as our inspirational leader only had one side effect - it made all the new, inexperienced people talk and think like him.

So below are a few phrases from colleagues...

I suppose if you smoke like a chainsaw, it's bad.

They kick it to broke it.

It just got worser.

I'll borrow you some money.

I thiefed it.

That'd make it betterer.

You learnt me some skills.

What have you teached me?

I'm in debit with you.

I'll find the wrongness.

I'm putting in a complaint about all ewes.

Those who are put your name down.

I'm going to write your autobiography.

She went for a break ten-teen times.

Her mum maked it worse.

I've only got 20 quid, 50p and a quid.

You only like him because you can talk all computerised to him.

It's going to a good homer.

No-ones inflammable.

They reclined to give me a loan.

Return cheque to client as will bounce if we do.

Just scuse it in.

Borrow us 20p while in a bit.

He gets all the mistakes wrong.

They're my bestest ones.

I went to KFC and bought a zimmer burger.

I've got to send them a utensil bill.

The dog had a tummock upset.

I wish they'd get the f***ing phones, scuse my English.

Her bills have been paided.

Because I forgot things easy.

I came in on Sunday even tho I wasn't rotated to do so.

I sawed it with my own eyes.

At this prior time...

Does she be daft like when she talks?

My eyes being irritatedable.

My wages are more better now.

Only long ago...

Their breakfasties are nice.

If WE'RE on it, I'm definately going to watch DogWatch.

I'm going all double-handed.

Are you bald when your hair grows back?

It tasters nice.

If you were a fan, you'd have betted with me.

There are 6 vowels in the alphabet - A.E.I.O.U and Y, all be it part time.

You don't get consistency very often.

Who wrote this note? It sounds like an Ian.




If you have read this far, then as a leaving present I give you this absolute classic Stupidism. It was said by an old lady waiting outside my local post office. She must have been waiting for it to open since 8:30, despite it consistently only ever opening at 9am every single weekday since 1950.

I walked past her, she glanced at the building and, as if to urge it on, said.......

"Come ON bus..... I mean post office."

HOW do you get those two confused?!? Just........ HOW?

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Sheila Wants A Man

One of my work colleagues decided that, because she'd not had one for a while, it had become necessary to find another man.

This time, rather than go the normal route and end up with another person she eventually ends up wanting to kill, she allowed me to handle the entire finding process for her.

If you believe you are the perfect man for Sheila, after reading the criteria below, please leave a comment. I will pass it on to her.

Requirements.

Age = 29 to 39. Although the goalposts could be widened to go lower

GOOD sense of humour.

Dark hair or bald – no blond or ginger-headed men please.

Normal 9 – 5 job – none of this “networking in pub until late”

Own transport. Just having “feet” as a form of transport doesn’t count, however having “feet” in general would be a bonus. And no - a white van does not class as transport in my book! My preferred form of transport would be a nice BMW or Mercedes

Not typical Pisces/Scorpio or Gemini

Unmarried – but NOT an old bachelor set in his ways - I want to be able to mold you into my way of thinking!

Must NOT be someone who has sugar in their coffee – The reason for this is that when coffee-people have sugar in their drink, they replace the spoon back into the sugar, discolouring it and making it all sticky. We don’t want lumpy coffee-sugar-mix going over our weetabix and ready brek, do we?

NO snoring, either while awake OR asleep – I’d prefer it if you didn’t nod off while sat next to me, so as to seem as though you’re awake but rumbling nasally.

Not a heavy drinker

Not heavy but not too skinny (I don't want you making me look big)

No smoking - I do not like having to hold my breath whilst kissing

Darker skinned would be preferable

Male would be preferable

Must be a loo seat replacer – not as a job, but must replace the loo seat after use.

Must rinse bath after use or sink if you decide to shave in the sink

When cutting bread, must not be someone who leaves the crumbs out for a week.

Got to like children – going “awwwww, a baby!” is SUCH a lovely thing to hear a man say

Got to like animals – going “awwwww, a kitten!” is lovely too.

Not someone who thinks chasing my cat with a lawnmower will be amusing – This has happened once

Not someone who uses the excuse “accidents happen….” while pretending NOT to chase my cat with a lawnmower.

Not to look miserable – no downward turn at the side of the mouth even when attempting to look happy

Looks not important - other than the “dark skinned”, “dark hair”, “unmiserable” and “not heavy” things

No obsessive football fans (in particular I do not want a Manchester United Fan - my son would never forgive me)

No people who go fishing and then think they can bring the fish back to MY house

Don’t mind golfers - unless they decide to get aggresive with their clubs

Must like the sound of Sheila's voice

Must have own teeth, (internally,) and be a regular visitor to the dentist

Must not give birth to aliens orally while sleeping – This has only ever happened once, but that one time was enough to convince me that I never want to see anything like it ever again. Basically, while he was sleeping and snoring, his dental fitting popped out and landed on his chest. With me not being fully awake, plus not actually knowing he had such a device installed, I thought he’d just sicked up an alien.

Must be a good cook as I don't like to cook!!

Must like Indian food - Yummy

Not someone who thinks I like Chinese food

Not someone who cooks Chinese food for my birthday (yack)

Not someone who continually forgets I don’t like Chinese food.

Must be willing to accept that I like eating raw onion. Not cooked, fried, boiled, stewed, just.... raw. I have been known to barge into restaurant kitchens in the past, sharing my outrage at this simple request not being followed. If I say "no, don't cook it, just sliced raw onion please," I want it to be taken seriously. Believe me, it's not worth the risk.

Decisive, but not independent

NO FACIAL HAIR – to prevent chaffing and friction burns from prolonged contact

Waxable – see above

Must enjoy, or be able to tolerate, my Karaoke

To give you an idea of who I find attractive - here is a list: Johnny Depp, Keanu Reeves, Orlando Bloom, George Michael, Brad Pitt, Tarkan

Puppy-dog eyes = good – Awwwwwwww, look at da likkul puppy! Puppy-dog mentality = bad – NO. I don’t want to play ball again. NO.

Dominant – must use commands like Sit, Lie Down, Roll Over.

Not to make me claustrophobic – I don’t like being followed, step by step, every-effing-where I go.

No liars - I hate liars and this will not be tolerated

Must be willing to iron, cook, clean, provide general services :) etc

So there you have it. If you believe you fit into the niche, leave a comment below and, fingers crossed, you two will be a perfect match!

Either that, or she'll decide there are further things that need to be added to the list, and end up wanting to kill you too!

Best of luck!

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