You're going to get cancer. Fact.

2009 was the year in which I developed an appreciation of haikus. I'd known of them from years ago, but only recently realised how much I enjoy the thought process behind making them.

So please read on if you would like to read a few of my favourite haikus I have written.

2012
Two thousand and twelve?
Or is it said "Twenty Twelve"?
Either way we're screwed.

coffee
Living off coffee,
Affects you physically,
SoYouTalkLikeThis.

xmas
What does Christmas mean?
presents, cards, food and good friends,
then lots of fighting.

narcoleptic
Seriously tired
as I have narcolepsy
if I sit, I sleep.

looking good
You have lovely eyes
stunning, gorgeous, seductive
(*filmed with lash inserts)

my hair
Just shampoo'd my hair
it now smells like blueberries
still tastes like hair though...

xmas jobs
At this time of year
spare a thought for hard worked elves
making all your toys

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New game to play - Cheers Easy, No Bosh

"Cheers Easy" is a very simple game that you can play at any point throughout the day. Often, only the person you're playing the game with will realise you're playing it, so it's ideal for even the most intimate offices.

Basically, you have to ask a question that requires an really obvious answer. If the person you're asking actually answers your question, despite the answer being totally obvious, then that person has answered an "easy" question.

You then reply "Cheers Easy" to them, and you have 1 point.

For example: Person1 can see Person2 drinking some pop. Person1 asks "Are you drinking that pop?" and Person2 answers "Yes". Person1 can then claim the point by saying "Cheers Easy!"

Jobs a good-un.

However, to make the game fair, it's possible for any player to counteract any Easy question. If they realise they're being asked an Easy question, and they answer "No Bosh" instead, then THEY get the point.

For example, later in the same day Person1 can see Person2 drinking some pop. Person1 asks "Are you drinking that pop?" Person2 answers "No Bosh!". Person2 then claims the point, making it 1-1.

Whoever has the most points at the end of the day wins.

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Working Week Tanka

First day of the week
Just five more long days to go.
Until it's Friday
Those two days off are so nice
Shame Monday returns so soon.

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Writings I'm Proud Of

I've reached 1000 tweets on Twitter, so thought I'd do a "best of" thing. I very rarely blow my own trumpet, but the things below really are things I am proud I thought up. I hope you enjoy them!

Is the Earth a manic depressive? It has two polar regions which, to my mind, makes it bi-polar...

I proper fancy chips today, but I'm afeared of the woman in the chip shop. I messaged her on facebook saying she gives good portions. now every time I go in, she talks at me like we're best mates. And she looks like Shrek, when she has her teeth in I mean...

My dog has no nose! ........and no body - we had her cremated a few months ago. Stop laughing.

I am about half way through reading the internet. I hope the ending is good.

I download info onto a mem card, and insert it into a slot I had installed in my neck. Can't read them-just a convenient place to store them

Why did Derek Acorah leave? He was brill! Admittedly he was a deceptive, manipulative fraud, but for entertainment value he was ace!

OH, I just passed out for ten minutes with fear from watching Most Haunted! (Well, ok, I actually just went for a coffee, but "passing out" sounded much more dramatic.)

Made my eldest stay up and watch Most Haunted. He won't sleep for weeks. #evilparent

On facebook last night, I appeared on my own list of "friend suggestions." Is it that obvious that I don't like myself? lol!

Apparently it's bad etiquette to ask whether paraplegics measure things in stumps and inches.

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Dunno - algebra is something I don't understand.

I'd hate to lose my mind. It was bad enough when I left my walkman on the bus that time.

Found a musical dolphin at my mother in laws, but can you guess what song it sings? Wait for the guitar solo! - http://bit.ly/32xkh7

You know when Doctors take delivery of something pleasing that they had been waiting for, do they say "Ah, just what I ordered"?

My auntie was always social. In fact, we used to call her Aunty Social which, ironically, used to give the wrong impression.

I just accidentally pressed a spider into my face.

Did Damien Hirst obtain permission from the pencil manufacturers to display their product? They should sue Hirst and donate to the student.

I keep getting spam inviting me to earn qualifications in English. My English is perfect thanks! Trying to improve it would be unpossible.

If you really believe homeopathic pills will work, in a Uri Gellar kind-of way, then I'm sure they still won't.

Why do skeptics have to justify their rational thinking more than the people who believe the impossible?

IncreaseTheAmountOfTextYouCanFitIntoYourTweetsByOmittingSpacesAndCapitalisingEveryNewWord!YouCanGetUpTo15PercentMoreTweetsOnOneLine!CoolHuh?

Has the worlds slowest internet. (As proof, I actually typed this 5 days ago.)

I LOVE the fact that the spell check in Opera v10.0 thinks "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" should be "Electroencephalographic"

After the massive Twitter member clear-out, I'm still here! Phew! It must mean I'm not spam!

Every time I tweet I get another spam-follower offers me nude photos! I'm not complaining about them following, I'm upset I don't post more!

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Stressed Tanka

Just written another tanka, entitled Stressed Tanka.

I have a headache
Had it for about an hour
paracetomol?
Really didn't touch it much
Some ibuprofen?
I doubt that will help either
Maybe sleep or rest will help

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Slooow Motion

I have an LG Viewty mobile phone. I've had it for almost two years now and as a phone, it's ace.

I got it because it had a 5 meg camera on it. It was one of the first phones to have a 5 meg camera. I think there was also a Sony Ericsson phone and a Nokia all came out about the same time with 5 meg cams in late 2007.

Anyway, after buying it I found out that it can also film video in slow motion. In normal mode it films at quite a good resolution, whereas in slow-mo it films four times quicker. So something that takes 10 seconds in real life, like the build-up and a massive sneeze, plays back in slow motion over 40 seconds.

Suddenly I felt the urge to film everything in slow motion. I filmed me running, jumping, sneezing, exhaling quickly, blowing raspberries, roughing up my hair, throwing stuff, pouring liquid..... I filmed me loads. In fact I've filmed my self that much, technically I could accuse myself of being my own stalker.

Then, after filming myself for months, I decided to add overly dramatic music to all the clips, just to over-sell how dramatic they actually were. A clip of me catching a pen to the sound of a heavy gothic rock cover version of Paul Simon's "Sledgehammer" is something I'm most proud of, along with a film of me running through my work office to the backing track of The A-Team Theme.

Another highlight is me accidentally setting fire to my finger in slow mo. Hurt a lot, but looks SOOOOOOO cool!

If you want to see a few highlights of me in slow motion, please visit Slooow.co.uk

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Whats with all these One Letter Less things?

I've decided to merge OneLetterLess.com with giggl. It seemed silly to have loads of one-topic blogs, so I've just added a new category (called One Letter Less) to giggl, and put all the posts in there.

I'll probably be merging easytrix.co.uk here too, and badlyspelled.com, so there may be a couple of things that you've seen before reappearing here. (When I say a couple, there might actually be about 5.)

So if anyone wants to buy the domain oneletterless.com, please let me know!

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Ebaying Spooky Cat

A while back, a work colleague left. They left behind a collection of pens, pencils, notepads and a hideous featureless ceramic cat.

I decided to ebay it, so below is a copy of the original ebay description including the original pictures that accompanied the auction.

This auction is for the "Spooky Cat"

It is in no way evil, has never shown any sign of possession, and cannot influence events by its mere presence. It's simply a faceless, expressionless pottery cat, that I have applied red sticky dots to in order to give it a spooky stare.

Oddly, every person that has owned this cat has ended up leaving work for good shortly after inheriting it. It was originally owned by a lady, who got a better job shortly after being given it. She donated it to another lady who ended up retiring a month or so later.

I don't believe that any of these events were directly influenced by the cat - it's not as if owning this cat made the retiring woman age rapidly or anything. It was just.... her time.

Although completely inanimate, people tend to develop an affection towards it and stroke it. It has often been cradled by people pretending to show affection, or been spoken to in an affectionate way.

It has also on occasion been left somewhere unexpected so as to scare someone, giving it a true "The Shining" feel. Often I don't recall moving it myself, but I'm sure I must have because it's completely inanimate and it isn't where I left it.

It can be positioned on a car, (as above,) on a work desk, on a window ledge, or on a small table. Or a large table. The only place I've found it cannot rest, without looking really conspicuous, is on a lap.

So basically, my reason for selling is that I actually like working where I am at the moment. I don't want to leave because I enjoy work. REALLY! Everyone who has owned the cat prior to me HAS left or gone on to better things. Why risk potentially being offered a better paid job?

If you're interested in the dimensions, it's roughly 20cm tall, and has a 7cm base. It weighs about the same as a "Kerplunk" board game. One with ALL the marbles and sticks.

It took a few days until Spooky Cat got any bids, but as soon as he did, he was as happy as a mexican at a tortilla convention.

But finally, inevitably, I had to send him to his new home.....

Spooky Cats Last Day.

The votes have been counted and verified, and I can now reveal that the inanimate yet scary statue leaving the office today is.....

SPOOKY CAT!

Awwwwwww! Don't worry. I'm sure your new owner will look after you just as much as I do. I mean, it's not as if selling you to a complete stranger who I'm never likely to meet from the internet is a dangerous thing, is it? Come on, cheer up!

Thats more like it! Now, what do you want to wear to meet your new owner? Your new beard and shades?

Ok, and do you know where you're going? Got your address thing?

OK, put all your stuff into your envelope, and I'll get the casket.... er..... I mean, box.....

CAN YOU BREATH OK IN THERE? HELLO? SPOOKY? CAN YOU HEAR ME?

I'M PUTTING YOUR THINGS ON TOP, AND YOU'RE GOING TO GET TAPED UP NOW!

.... and then, at about 4pm, the postman took him away......

Spookys new owner said that if she was able, she would send some pics of him when he's settled into his new home and true to her word, she did! Here are some pics of my old cat in his new home, along with an email from him!

(He looks settled in already. How DARE he thoroughly enjoy his new home! GRRRRRRR!)

To : badlyspelled.com
Subject : I have arrived safely!!
Date : Tue 18/10/2005 16:31

Hello Stranger

Long time no sticky tape eh????

Just a quick line to say I arrived safely, and my new home is GRRRREEEAATTT!!!! I have enclosed 2 photos for you to see, and to let you know I am ok, theres lots of other cats here with me, 8 in total,but I am pictured with my 'gang' the little white cat at my feet is my bestest friend (hubba hubba) .

So really I just wanted to say THANKYOU for selling me on Ebay I am truely happy!!

Your Spooky friend

The Cat.

p.s my new white friend is Sassy, and as Spooky no longer fits the bill I have changed my name by deed poll to Stuart, Stu to my friends. BYYEEEE

*Thanks to Missjb for helping him to press the keys

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Website-a-holic

A few years ago, I decided not to start any more websites. The ones I had were taking up too much time, and so starting another one would be foolish.

So, 4 more websites later and I've decided that this time I'm serious.

Without going into too much detail and advertising them all in a fit of pompous self promotion, I have decided that my sites fall into one of two categories.

Definate Keepers.
The 80s one.
The spoof 80s one.
The 80s Ebay referral one.
The Cartoon one.
This one.
The sloooow one.

Ones I'm not sure about.
The magic one.
The one letter less one.
The excuses one.
The dead people one.
The badlyspelled one.
The Office War one.

My initial idea was to combine a few of them, so I don't have the expense of paying for so many seperate domain names. The magic one, the one letter less one and the excuses one could quite easily just all fit onto giggl under newly created categories named something imaginative like "magic" "letters" and "excuses".

I'd also want to move most of the articles from badlyspelled and put them here too.

But then, what do I do with the domains? Do I let them expire? Should, or can, I sell them?

aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

So if you see loads of posts over the next few weeks, they're probably just me moving things from one site to here.

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Random Excuse Generator

Me On Twitter

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You're going to get cancer. Fact.

My Haikus from 2009

New game to play - Cheers Easy, No Bosh

Working Week Tanka

Writings I'm Proud Of

Stressed Tanka

Slooow Motion

Whats with all these One Letter Less things?

Ebaying Spooky Cat

Website-a-holic