It’s quite a simple game, so please feel free to play and let me know of any successes.

The way to play is as follows...

1) Approach someone who is looking away from you.

2) Call their name, so they turn around.

3) As soon as they have turned to face you, look at their chin and do a look of pity. Squint your eyes. Turn your head away just slightly. Maybe even do a sharp intake of breath through pursed lips for that authentic pity effect.

4) Then watch as they become self-conscious and touch their chin.

Hysterical!

Well, ok, maybe not quite as much fun now it’s written down, but it my head it was ace!

These 20-or-so cans are all just sat there, all mixed up. There are usually a few cokes and diet cokes, a few tangos, a few dr. peppers...

I had an idea for a game!

1) When no-one else is in the food room, approach the cans of pop.
2) pick up a random one
3) shake it vigorously
4) replace the can
5) mix up all the cans
6) walk away and tell no-one

It's a game of chance in which people, unknowingly admittedly, open a can and MAY get a face full of fizzy pop.

I called my new game "Rush-can Roulette."

I did re-read the original 2009 blog post recently, and was unhappy with a few parts of it, so I have re-written the inbetween sections. Obviously the emails are word for word as was received and sent between Flavia and myself, so it would be wrong to amend them and falsify chats, but the bits of descriptive text between emails have been redone. And as there had been further contact, I wanted to update everything.

At work we have Flavia hot drinks machines. You select a hot drink sachet from the range of sachets, insert it into the Flavia machine, and it makes a hot drink. There are teas, coffees and hot chocolate to choose from.

So I decided to email the company Flavia with a concern I had. My concern was about their coffees sachets. The sachets state that the strengths of coffee go from 1 to 7, (1 being the weakest and 7 being the strongest,) but having searched our stock I couldn't find any sachets that were strength 1.

So I filled in the "contact us" section of the Flavia website.

Inquiry Type: Question
First name: Craig
Last name: Anderson
How did you learn about FLAVIA: We use Flavia here.
Message Text: The coffee sachets that you sell range in strength from 1 to 7, but none of the coffees are strength 1. Why is that? Even the decaf is strength 2.

Why doesn't the scale go from 1 to 6 instead of 1 to 7?

A day after sending this email, and before I had received a reply, I realised that there were also no strength 6 or strength 7 coffees. Even their website didn't list coffees over strength 5. It appeared that their strength scale went from 1 – 7, but didn’t include 1s, 6s and 7s.

Then I received a reply...

From: On Behalf Of Flavia
Sent: 11 December 2008 09:45
To: Craig Anderson
Cc: Flavia
Subject: RE: Contact Me Regarding myflavia.com
Dear Mr Anderson,
Thank you for contacting Flavia with your inquiry. We appreciate hearing from you and will be happy to help you out.
We rate them on a scale of 1-5.
Our ratings are:
Mild #2
Medium #3
Strong #4
Strongest #5
Sumatra (5+)

Our flavoured coffee (Hazelnut) is not rated by strength. You can see these ratings on the product menu on www.myflavia.com

This page will detail out the strength ratings and you can make your selections accordingly.

Once again, thank you for contacting Flavia. Please feel free to contact us again should you need further assistance. Have a great day!

Sincerely,
Flavia Customer Service

It's really good that they do reply. I've contacted a few companies over the years that you never hear from again, Haribo being one of them. But Flavia did a fine job of getting back to me.

But I felt their answer was a little generic and that they hadn't addressed my actual question.

I prepared a reply, including my new findings that there were no 6s or 7s.

> -----Original Message-----
From: Craig Anderson
Sent: Thursday, December 11, 2008 12:19 PM
To: Flavia
Subject: RE: Contact Me Regarding myflavia.com
Hi again.
Thanks for your reply explaining the strength-of-coffee situation, but your reply raises further questions.
If the coffees are rated from 1 to 5, then why do our sachets here show 1 to 7?

Also, why are there no coffees of strength 1, 6, or 7? They all range in strength from 2 to 5.

So if none of the coffees are strength 1, 6, or 7, they why don't you move the numbers down so the strength indicators go from 1 to 4?

By the way, I'm not complaining, I'm just really curious.

Craig Anderson.

I thought that was nice and concise. Nice short email, that gets straight to the point. But would they have an answer...

> -----Original Message-----
From: Flavia
Sent: 12 December 2008 15:22
To: Craig Anderson; Flavia
Subject: RE: Contact Me Regarding myflavia.com
Dear Mr Anderson,

We apologize for the mistake as it is just a print mistake on the filterpacks and the range should go from 1 to 5 and not 1 to 7.

Have a nice day.

Sincerely,
Flavia Customer Service

They answered the "6 and 7" thing, but I was still none the wiser about the lack of "1"s in the range. Why should it go from 1 to 5 if there are no 1s?

I didn't think I was getting my point across fully, and felt this needed addressing. I replied, but concentrating on just the lack of 1s.

From: Craig Anderson
Sent: Friday, December 12, 2008 6:15 PM
To: Flavia
Subject: RE: Contact Me Regarding myflavia.com
Hi.

Thanks for your reply, clarifying the situation regarding the 6's and 7's. I now understand about those two, and will ignore them. Phew! That is one big load off my mind!

The only tiny thing I still don't understand is, the point from my original contact, that none of the coffees are strength 1. The scale goes from 1 to 5, but no coffees seem to be strength 1.

Even in your explanation of the ratings, your description started at #2 (Mild), omitting #1 entirely.

So do the coffee strengths actually only go from 2 to 5?

It's a bit of an anomaly if they do as all other scales, as far as I can see through personal experience and extensive internet research, start at 1. They HAVE to, otherwise it's like asking someone how much they like something on a scale of 4 to 9, or asking someone to give a rating on a scale of 3 to 7, but not to use 4.

If "1" is a secret flavour that only Flavia employees are allowed to know about, don't worry - I won't tell anyone! You can let me in on the secret, secure in the knowledge that this inside information will go no further. Your secret will be safe with me!

So, just to recap....... What is strength 1? Is it a secret flavour?

Are there any coffees that are strength 1?

And if there are no coffees of strength 1, does your strength scale actually go from 2 to 5?

Thank you so much for tolerating my questions! I was worried that I might get ignored as my questions may seem petty and argumentative. I really do not mean them to be, and I do feel bad for pestering you, but you are my only hope in a world of chaos.

Craig Anderson.

They COULDN'T avoid answering my original question now, could they? That was all I'd asked them.

-----Original Message-----
From: Flavia
Sent: 15 December 2008 12:44
To: Craig Anderson; Flavia
Subject:RE: Contact Me Regarding myflavia.com
Dear Mr Anderson,

Thank you for your update.

We have no answer yet and are dealing with this matter.

Best regards,
Flavia Customer Service

DAMN! Fobbed off!

I waited a couple of months to allow them time to look into it, then I emailed them back asking if they have dealt with it yet.

-----Original Message-----
From: Craig Anderson
Sent: January 11, 2009 12:26 PM
To: Flavia
Subject: RE: Contact Me Regarding myflavia.com

Hi again.

Sorry to have to nudge you about this, but is there an answer to my query yet? I can only imagine the problems involved in finding out if the Flavia scale goes from 1 to 5 or 2 to 5. Personally, if a query like this came up where I work, I wouldn't know who to ask or where to start so I can fully appreciate the confusion a query like this must bring.

If it isn't yourself that normally deals with this kind of query, again I fully understand. If this is the case, would you mind asking whoever would know something like this to get in touch with me.

Thanks again, and I hope your new year continues in a prosperous fashion.

Craig.

But I received no reply.

So I followed up with.........

-----Original Message-----
From: Craig Anderson
Sent: Thursday, February 13, 2009 12:47 PM
To: Flavia
Subject: RE: Contact Me Regarding myflavia.com
Hi.

Would you be kind enough to update me on the status of this please? It has been almost two full months since I was told it was being dealt with.

Thanks in advance,

Craig Anderson.

But I received this....

-----Your message

To: s*****t@europe.pfsweb.com
Subject:

was deleted without being read on 17/02/2009 09:02.

After he put his card in and keyed in his PIN, he chose to withdraw a tenner. Then, apparently, felt a sudden urge to trump. He had only just approached the machine, so he knew there was no queue. He glanced to his right, then to his left, and the coast was clear.

Then, apparently, he let rip a lengthy, deep, rumbling parp, almost like something being disturbed deep underground, which raised in tone the longer it went on like a siren, finally peaking at a high pitch squeak and ended at the exact same time the money popped out. In total it has lasted around 15 seconds, and he was mighty proud.

Taking his money and card, and turned around to find a short old lady staring at him with a VERY disgusted look on her face.

Edith, as she shall now be called for reference, had been right stood behind my mate the whole duration of his lengthy trump. As she was quite short, he pretty much blew off straight into her face.

Veering off to the side, my mate made a hasty getaway, feeling the penetrating burn of Ediths eyes in the back of his head as he strode off.

All this happened because Edith had stood directly behind my mate. When you glance left and right, there is an area directly behind you that you cannot see. A triangular shaped blind spot, if you will. This is not to be referred to as the "Triangle of Shame."

Never let anyone get into this "Triangle of Shame" space behind you. It is a dangerous place for people to be. They can hear if you pump, see any scratching you do, any "adjustments".... it can get mighty awkward.

Some quick, simple advice; If you're thinking of trumping in a public place, ALWAYS check your ToS.

“Don’t be angry,” I paused, “but I think I’ve upset Jim Bowen.”

She is used to me doing (what she classes as) stupid things, but I could tell by her “......oh?” reaction that this took even her by surprise.

I own 80sNostalgia.com and, as I was a bit bored one night, I decided to email a few 80s celebs to see if they would take part in an online Q&A interview for my site.

Amongst other, I emailed Gordon "Krypton Factor" Burns, 80s TV writer and presenter Michael Rosen and Jim "Bullseye" Bowen. The email addresses for most stars are readily available on the internet. I'm no stalker or anything... It was only a brief email saying something along the lines of...

Hi.

I'm Craig from 80sNostalgia.com, the worlds most popular 80s website.

I know you're probably really busy, but any chance you could spare a few minutes to take part in a brief interview for 80sNostalgia? It will take no more than 5-10 mins if you do.

Thanks in advance....

So a day later I check my inbox and I have an email from Jim Bowen....

Hi Craig,
If you would like to ring me on:- 015** ****** then we could perhaps sort something out to help.
Regards,
Jim Bowen

Rock 'n' Effing Roll!!! I was absolutely elated! THE Jim Bowen had practically agreed to an interview there and then! What a guy! I have to confess to doing a small chair-dance when I read his email.

But then it struck me....... would Jim Bowen actually be THIS casual about giving his phone number out? What if it's just the bloke who maintains the Jim Bowen website having a laugh? What if he has no actual affiliation with Jim, and it’s just a fan site set up to say how good Jim is without any direct input from Jim whatsoever?

So I typed the phone number into Google, to see if it could tell me whose number it actually was.

The resulting page was an advert for a Taxi rank.

I didn't bother clicking the result to open the page. I just frowned, confused. There were so many different scenarios...

1) This was a reply from the webmaster of a fan site, essentially fobbing me off.
2) The webmaster of the fan site was playing a trick on me where he asks me to phone a taxi rank and ask to speak to someone they know who is actually called “Jim Bowen”.
3) Jim Bowen actually worked in, or now owns, a taxi rank nowadays. Maybe that was where he had invested his millions
4) This was Jim Bowens phone number, but Jim Bowen himself wasn’t aware the webmaster had given it to me without permission.
5) This was the actual Jim Bowen being nice.


The most likely explanation was that this person wanted me to ring a Taxi rank and ask to speak to a Jim Bowen for a laugh. Maybe they actually have someone called Jim Bowen working there, who isn't the real one, but a taxi driver who they often play this trick on?

So I emailed back. I wanted to include some sort of reference to being a Taxi rank, so I added a subtle reference to how taxi drivers charge for their time....

Hi Jim.

Thanks for the reply.

I have to say that I'm a little surprised. Most celebs charge for their time by the hour, but you're the only one that I have emailed that charges by the mile.

Hats off to you though, that is one of the best replies I've had this week! Nice one.

Thanks anyway and take care,
Craig.

The day after I had another reply...

Hi Craig,
Sorry I don't understand the 'charge by the mile' notion.
I suggested that you ring me in order that perhaps I could help. No mention of charges was made so I'm completely baffled by your response.

Yours confused,
Jim Bowen

Now I became worried. Whoever it was didn’t appreciate my “charge by the mile” taxi reference. What if this WAS Jim Bowen. What if Jim emailed back in all sincerity, offering a genuine interest in what I do, and I had just mocked him? What if Jim ACTUALLY does own a Taxi rank nowadays? What if that's what he chose to invest in with his hard earned money from the YEARS of quality TV broadcasting? AAAAAAAARRRGGHHH!!!

I thought back to the time I accidentally set up an email auto-responder on the wrong email account, and accidentally sent automatic replies to emails from Tim Vine and Iain Lee telling them to stop emailing me, when all they were doing was replying to MY emails. DAMN email autoresponders.

So I did what most 30-odd year old adults would do. I ignored everything and hoped it would go away. I didn’t email Jim again and I was too embarassed to ring the number, in case it either was or wasn’t Jim, if that makes sense?

A couple of weeks after confessing to my wife, I told people at work. Whereas my wife was sympathetic, my work colleagues all laughed heartily.

My Boss suggested that, as I had left it a few weeks, we should try ringing the number just to see who answered. If the email was a joke, then they would have been expecting someone to call within a few days. Ringing now, weeks later, would be fine.

So we rang it.

*Ring ring*....... *ring ring*.......... *click*.... and then, in the inimitable voice of Jim Bowen..... “Hello. I’m sorry I am unable to take your call at the moment. Please leave me a message or alternatively give me a call on my mobile, on 07*** ******. Thank you.”

I was stunned. I just kept thinking “WHY?!?”

Why did I think it was a taxi rank?!? Why didn’t I think of just phoning and hanging up weeks ago?

I googled the phone number from the original email. The top result was still a taxi rank directory. This time I clicked on the link and scrolled down to check that the phone number actually occurred somewhere on this page. I found the dialing code on one line with a different suffix, and the home number on one line with a different area code.

Google had suggested this taxi site, just because it had occurences of the dialing code AND the number as seperates, but not as a whole number. This may surprise you, but never before have I been so amazed at my own stupidity.

So a few weeks later, after the reality had sunk in that I really had insulted the REAL Jim Bowen, I decided to ring him and apologise. Emailing was clearly not my forte.

I rang out of the blue, on a Monday morning. I was off work for a week, and thought I'd get the week started with a good celeb apology. I rang at 9:00, not really knowing if the number he had given me was his office or his home.

A sleepy, but recognisable, Jim Bowen answered the phone.

"Hi Jim, it's Craig from 80sNostalgia.com. You were kind enough to give me your number a few weeks ago."

"erm.... Craig? Erm..... Hello Craig. Erm....."

I had a genuine fear that he remembered every last detail of my stupid emails, and he was building up to a big telling-off, where he'd quite rightly shout at me for unnecessarily annoying him.

I jumped in with "You said you'd be willing to take part in an interview to go onto 80sNostalgia.com. I'm just ringing to arrange a time if possible?"

"Sorry, erm, Craig, you've just got me up. I think I've completely forgotten about this. Can you give me an hour and ring me back after 10? I'll be more awake then."

I agreed, thanked him profusely, hung up and did the worlds biggest, happiest sigh. It turns out that on his very first email, Jim Bowen HAD given me his home phone number. Not only that, but I now had a direct line to his bedroom. And not only THAT, he had completely forgotten about my earlier blunder.

I eventually interviewed Jim Bowen the following day at around 2:30, while sat at my own dining table, with my housephone on speakerphone, and a voice recorder recording both halves of the conversation. The interview went on for 15 mins, and after editing the entire thing is around 8 mins long.

He's a genuinely lovely man, and I'm really sorry that I upset him ages ago (even though he doesn't remember.)

I won't print the interview here, as it is currently downloadable (yes, me and Jim Bowen chatting in wonderful audio!) from 80sNostalgia.com. But to answer the question you're all thinking, yes, he does still have a bendy bully.

If you're unaware of my original complaint, but would like to read it, it's here...

Haribo Complaint

I think what I am about to tell you classes as a "WIN"!

Asda have just stocked their shelves with the newest batch of Haribo, and guess what?!?







drum roll.........







Haribo have actually added a relevant item to one of their products!

THE STARMIX NOW CONTAINS AN ITEM ASSOCIATED WITH SPACE!!!!!!!!

OK, it's not a Fantasy item in the Fantasy Mix, but where their Starmix used to also contain random, unspacey objects like fried eggs and cola bottles, it now contains a SPACE ALIEN!

I think they've listened!

People of Haribo: IF this change is due to my email, and only IF, I hereby retract my complaint.

From: Craig Anderson
Sent: 30 May 2010 16:38
To: Brian@*******.co.uk
Subject: Scissor Help

Hi there.

I know this may be a peculiar request, but I'm having a bet with a work colleague in which I could win the contents of their office desk drawer. This may not seem like the most exciting prize, but it is one worth winning purely for their huge box of staples. I have bet them that it is possible to buy “a scissor”, or find a shop that advertises that they sell “a scissor." I know full well that I am wrong, but I want to win this one partly because it would astound everyone, but mostly because my stapler would never go hungry again.

When I say "a scissor", I actually mean the 2 blade device. People normally refer to it as a pair of scissors, but I'm trying to convince people that because the 2 blades are attached, and it's sold as a single item, it should be called a scissor.

I found your site online after Googling "scissor shop" to find you as the top result, so if anyone can help it’s you! You are by far the best chance I have, so if you could possibly help that would be absolutely ace.

All I need is an email back from you just saying that it IS possible to buy "a scissor", a price for buying a scissor, and a picture of some scissors. If by some fluke of fate is IS possible to buy a two-bladed “scissor”, then a pic of that instead would be perfect.

I hope that makes sense, and if you could help I'd be eternally grateful.

Craig Anderson

-----Original Message-----
From: Brian Scott [mailto:brian@*******.co.uk]
Sent: 31 May 2010 14:06
To: Craig Anderson
Subject: RE: Scissor Help

Brian.

Staples, anyone? I have shed-loads.

I also don’t order from them because their understanding of “on time” is different to how the rest of the world understands it. If I say I’ll be somewhere “on time” I will be there either AT the time agreed or BEFORE the agreed time. That, to me, is “on time.”

I don’t order pizza often, but when I do feel the pang I used to alternate between ordering from Pizza Hut and Dominos. It seemed only fair. They were two pizza businesses trying to survive in our small town. I know both of them are well known, very commercial businesses, but they are both franchises paid for by the managers. It costs around £150,000 to “buy” a Dominos franchise for example, so alternating which business I gave my custom to seemed the best things to do.

On this occasion it was Pizza Huts turn. I dug out their latest menu, took the requests from my household and gave them a call.

On the front of the new Pizza Hut menu it stated “Hot and On Time – GUARANTEED!” This was great news. I was famished, as were my family, so I was quite reassured to see this guarantee.

I rang at 7.15 and ordered 3 pizzas. After taking my order the girl said it would be here by 8.15.

“An HOUR?!? To make and bring pizza?!?” I exclaimed. Dominos gets to my house within 30 minues, but as I was being fair and alternating between shops, plus as I’d already called and placed my order, I agreed.

So we waited, hungrily, for an hour.

At 8.20, 5 minutes past the “guaranteed” time, nothing had arrived. I didn't want to be picky and ring them at 8.16, so I waited a full 5 mins. Even with this extra time buffer, nothing arrived. Then I waited a bit more, just to be sure.

At 8.25 I rang Pizza Hut back. I told them that we were still waiting for pizza, and that it was 10 minutes late.

The lady said it would be there “soon.”

"But the menu says 'Hot and On Time - GUARANTEED!" I pointed out.

"Oh, don’t worry, it will still be hot," she reassured me.

"It's not the temperature I'm bothered about. It's the 'on time' thing." I explained.

"It'll be there very soon." she repeated.

"But it isn't on time. Your menu guarantees it will be on time, and it isn't.”

She asked me "What time were you told it would be there?"

"8.15 - and it didn't arrive on time. It's 8.26 now, and it still hasn't arrived. It's late."

"So it's only 10 minutes late?" she queried, either not seeming to understand their guarantee or not wanting to acknowledge it.

"It should have arrived 11 minutes ago." I was becoming angered.

"Well the driver has only just set out, so technically it's not late yet."

"...what??” I couldn’t believe she was arguing back. I didn’t care how recently the driver had set out! “ It didn't get here by the time I was told. It is LATE!"

“It will be there very soon, sir,” she reiterated.

Just then there was a knock at my door. I stomped to the door, phone in hand, and opened it to find a small Spanish man holding out pizza. Pizza had arrived 12 minutes late.

I was absolutely outraged. I took the pizza, thanked the man (I didn’t see this as being his fault,) returned the phone to my ear to find that the Pizza Hut lady had hung up.

At the time it didn’t occur to me how arrogant the phrase “technically it’s not late yet” was. What do you mean “technically”?!? It didn’t arrive at the time I was told it would do. That IS “late”, isn’t it? I’m not sure how else I should interpret “late”.

Technically it arrived AFTER the time I was told. Technically AND literally, AND physically, AND honestly, it WAS late.

Their “guarantee” is not a real guarantee, as if they don’t stick to the promise there is no comeback. No compensation. If the guarantee is not adhered to, they offer nothing as an apology!

Pizza Hut should change their guarantee to:

Hot AND On Time – GUARANTEED*!

(*if your pizza does not arrive hot OR on time, it will arrive slightly later and maybe a bit cold. Enjoy! )

So I no longer order from Pizza Hut because their menus lie, their guarantees mean nothing, their staff have no understanding of simple English phrases like “on time.”

Bad show, Pizza Hut.